Wednesday, 01 February 2012

• And finally...

  I have received great feedback from people I care about and people I respect. On their advice, I'm pulling down all my content that could be deemed "controversial." And I'd like to explain why.

  For starters, I told my wife that I was pulling it down because I'd rather listen to people older and wiser than me and be "wrong" about that than to be wrong about being loud and vocal and... me. She nodded her head and said, "yeah, I thought you should have taken it down." We had an incredulous discussion about why she didn't say that earlier, but that point is, I pay attention to my wife more than anyone when she says something isn't right. I feel this is wisest.

  Second, it was pointed out to me that people could, would, and were taking things that I said and using them for things that I wouldn't want. Things that I would say contextually were dissonant with what I was saying. This could be especially true of Montreat students. I smacked my head for not seeing it earlier. I don't know why I surprise myself with my stupidity at this point, but I still find a way! I'm special like that. I don't want anything I write to be used for things in my community that I wouldn't approve of. And the language I used in hypotheticals were set up perfectly for that. Stupid.

  Third, because my frustrations (which are obviously now pretty well known) were not with one single person, but an institution, I felt I wasn't harming anyone. But, again, I am dumb. Because when you are sort of vague about who or what you're talking about... YOU CAN THINK ANYTHING YOU WANT. So my words could be turned against person A or B when I wouldn't want them to. This is my fault. And yes... I'm dumb.

  Fourth, a fellow pastor presented his concerns and that made total sense. See, I'm 26. I've been doing this for... oh... four minutes. And I suck at it. I don't think well enough in the right ways. And I'm not fool enough to deny it. The bottom-line is that I have to be much wiser in what I use my voice for. Blatant immorality? Fire away! Questionable and frustrating things at a college? Well... maybe you need to calm down, son. These things should be obvious and easy for people, I feel. Unfortunately, I can be among the dimmest of people regarding some things. And I appreciate people pointing them out to me. 

  Fifth, I really love Montreat and much more, I love the Church. And I believe unity amongst the Body is very, very, VERY important. By publicly sticking my flag in the ground over something like this, I risk the unity of the body. And I feel very, very, very sorrowful about that. I hate that. I hate having such glaring blind spots. My unguarded opinions could isolate and alienate people I care about. I would prefer not to draw lines in the sand and establish different teams. That, in fact, was something I was trying to avoid. But I muddled my message and just... I did it poorly. I am stupid. (Do you notice a theme?)

  My complaint that I listed was very much about HOW things happened, not what. And yet as is often the case, I failed to turn that critical eye on myself. Sure, was what I said rational and sound? But also, was it appropriate and beneficial? Answers: maybe and no. And that's no one's fault but mine.

  I'll own my mess. I won't hide from it. I'm 26. I'm foolish. I'm gifted to do certain things. I'm responsible for doing them well. And I recognize when I fail.

  Sorry for failing. I don't want to be anyone's public this or that. I'd rather be known for things I publicly stand for every Sunday, the beauty and authority of the Word of God and the majesty of Jesus, who is far better than any other thing on offer from the world. I'll delete everything else and try to just stick my reputation to Him.

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